Okay, while Baseball Season has yet to begin...even the pre-season, even Baseball Tonight...the great American pasttime lingers in my mind, ripe for metaphorizing the current political quandry in which we find ourselves.
I don't think I need to explain to you how much or why I dislike Bush--everyone knows. But on the flipside, I hate Kerry, too. This election is turning into last year's World Series! Stick with me...
We all wanted the Cubbies facing off against the Red Sox, right? Yes. And if not for that ignoramus shoving his limb over the wall, the Cubs might well have made it. But no. Instead the freaking Marlins pulled it off. Like they have for a surprising couple of times in the past dozen years they've been a franchise. They just have momentum--something the Cubs have never had. Or at least not since our great-granddads were watching.
And then the friggin' Yanks beat the Sox over in the AL, and the Series was delegated to that realm of complete apathy--something akin to the Superbowl halftime show until, well, you know what I'm thinking about.
I'm afraid Kerry's momentum in the primaries is unstoppable. He's like those flippin' Marlins who won't give the underdog Cub (Clark, Edwards?) a damned chance. And anyway, what happened to Dean?...he was like the Giants or something.
And the Kerry/Marlins are going to be facing off against the obstinate empire of the incumbency, George Stei--I mean, Bush. In other words...BORING! I don't really give a shit who wins. If Bush wins, it means four more years of raping the environment, alienating our "allies," and a plethora of civic-religion-rhetoric. Then again, Kerry could bring just as many blunders as the Commander-In-Chief. At least Clark had some military experience.
I used to think the only direction for America to go was up. Now Kerry's got me worried it could be a longer ride down than expected. Hillary, save us!
You heard right, folks! You are cordially invited to A Very Metrosexual Oscar Party at the home of Me and Kornstar. We're rolling out the red carpet (actually it's green, in fact--a lovely blend of olive, dark and drab). We'll have delicious eatables, an award-prediction-contest, and the only television in the nation receiving the ABC signal, waived of the 5-second imposed delay. That means if any breasts show up at the Oscars, you'll get to see them. Also, we will TiVo it. So you can see them again. All this to reinforce the Metrosexuality of the evening's festivities.
In addition, we will have spontaneous Jewish commentary by our resident Jew, Katzman. He's from LA, so he's got all the juicy celeb gossip. Actually, he just watches Entertainment Tonight. Actually, that's me. But he is Jewish. Sort of.
So, to recap. Come Sunday evening, 29 February around 7:30pm to 5403 Shauff Pl. And bring food: chips, dip, cookies, cokes, and your Oscar picks! Winner of the Oscar-prediction-contest gets to spend an evening with the sexually questionable hosts of the party!
A Very Metrosexual Oscar Party: Sure to Threaten Your Sexuality!
Had an interesting weekend. Not exactly what I had planned, but still a rollicking good time. My friend Lauren came down from Knoxvegas. Isn't it quaint how every college town affixes the "vegas" suffix to it's name out of cynical spite? Chattavegas, Knoxvegas, Starkvegas, Memphrica...well, almost every town.
Then there was the majestic 38th incarnation of the biggest commercial event of the year. My one beef: too many football interruptions. Oh, and breasts. Too many breasts. Who needs the Lingerie Bowl when you have Justin "I'm getting back at Britney for kissing a girl on stage" Timberlake?
But the Patriots pulled it off, as I knew they would, because the Patriots franchise is--according to my new theory--owned and operated by the US Dept. of the Interior. They win when public morale is down and we need a boost. This is the government's foolish attempt at rallying citizens, a la the "Let's rally around New York during Sept 2001" thing. Stupid government.
In a related story, George Bush killed my father...hmm, no? Okay, he is responsible for the Asian bird flu...he paid-off the administration to graduate from Yale? He started El Nino, he invented karaoke!!!.....Okay, okay, you've got me. I just don't like the man. But I'm damned if I can pick one of the seven boobs running for the democratic nod. What a bunch of yokels. Let's start a massive write-in campaign for....uh...geez, isn't there anybody in America who would make a better Prez than Bush? Maybe Simon from American Idol? No? Okay, how 'bout the Pope? Oh, he's not an American you say? Hmm, okay...can we plead for annexation by Canada?
Look, all I want is the damned religious right to be unhappy...oh and legal pot, and no guns for Pete, and more daytime talkshows with gay and/or lesbian hosts. Then I'll be content. Anyone know of a remote Pacific island for sale?